Overwhelmed

By the amount of work that's to be done before and after we move house.

It was stressful just thinking about it.

But I realised very recently (like err, yesterday!) that while the work to be done may be much, I actually do NOT have to feel stressed by it. Being busy is one thing. Being tired also. But I don't have to feel stressed by it. It is possible to be busy and yet joyful/happy/peaceful/calm. It is possible.

With God's strength and lotsa coffee... I think I can. :P~

Freedom!

Now that I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding any baby anymore, it feels kinda strangely liberating to be able to eat whatever I want without feeling bad about it! I can drink as much coffee and tea as I want! I can drink beer! I can paint my nails/straighten my hair/color my hair without worrying about toxic fumes! I can even eat more salmon without worrying about extra mercury entering the bloodstream/breast milk. I'm so used to being cautious about all these stuff that it just feels weird to be able to indulge in them with wild abandon. I can even go have my tubes tied without worrying about the GA or painkillers (that one is another story for another day). And oh! I can eat any medicine now without requesting for those that are "safe for breastfeeding"( i.e. weak stuff)! I've been avoiding strong flu/cough meds, prescribed ones and OTC ones for so many years! 

Oh sweet freedom, how I've missed you! 

When the rubber meets the road

Sometimes you don't really know if u really know something until u kena tested. If not it's really easy to say-say only. 

Excellence

As a student, my grades bloomed well in my primary school years, and after entering secondary school my grades slowly went downhill. I have been average among my peers ever since.

As a teacher, I was only average. I loved being with the kids but I was no miracle worker, unlike my colleagues, who somehow taught better, disciplined better, led better, organized better. My performance grade had been a C average until the last year of teaching when I took more medical leave cos of pregnancy-related health issues and I also didn't handle a pupil's parent's complaint about some silver bangle issue (I got a D) well.

As a wife, I think I'm average too. I am no sweet and demure wife with a gentle and quiet spirit, though I can be very quiet when I'm angry, i.e. staging a cold war. Poor hubby... who has to handle my nonsense through the years! 

I am no excellent chef either. I can only do porridge, pasta, soba and salads. I am thankful that my kids think I'm a great cook though! It's easy when I cook their favorite food with their favorite ingredients. 

I can't drive for nuts. I hate driving. Stresses me out too much.

The house? I suck at housekeeping. The toilets are usually grimey, the bedsheets changed at most monthly, the floors are seldom mopped. Toys cover the floor and sofa more often than not. I have friends who keep their house spick and span, with beautiful daily routines that they and their kids follow. Me? I tolerate the mess until they pile up and I cannot tahan anymore then do a big clean-up while barking at the kids for making the mess. So I'm no Martha Stewart. 

I am no excellent mother. I am harsh, I am fickle in my discipline standards, I shout, throw toys out of anger, and caned them probably too much last time. I criticise and scold more than I encourage and build up. I worry more than I pray. I say "no" more than I say "yes".  So yes, I'm quite crappy as a mum.  

Sigh, right?

I was just thinking about myself and my lack of excellence in most things I do while I was taking my shower an hour ago. I'm not super smart, super pretty, have a super figure or character or spiritual life. There are many others among my peers who excel in these various areas (or all of them!). I am not one of them. And I asked myself, why do I feel the pressure to at least excel in something? I realised after thinking through that hey, it is actually for human praise and recognition. It's like, "Look at how good I am! And yes you may start praising me now!"

So I realised my motives were wrong. And guess what? After my shower I read today's church devotional. The subject for today? "Praise from God".  *speechless*

Let me quote some parts of the devotional journal:

"God's focus in His judgement will not be just in our performance, but primarily our posture."

"We have great propensity for human praise, because it is visible, audible and present. The worse form of human praise is self-praise. Do you know how to live without human praise? Live life desiring praise solely from God, which comes on,y when the Lord comes, for until then, nothing in life is ultimately conclusive.

My takeaway? I do what God has led me and called me to do. Don't try to do what He has called others to do. I obey Him, yield my heart to Him, and follow Him. My audience is only one. May I not forget that. May my heart seek to please Him and not seek human praise. 

Being average is secondary. Even if my best was an average in the eyes of others, it's okay. No excuses for being lazy, which is something I'm prone to. Eh...so If I were to be excellent at anything, may it point pple to Him. May the glory go to Him. 

Romans 5:8

D has this habit of drinking water from his water bottle, holding a mouthful of it in his mouth, and then squirting/spitting/leaking it all out. Other times, he likes to turn his straw water bottle upside down to make little puddles of water on the floor, sofa, table or high chair. So any of these acts normally elicits lots of NO NO NO!!! followed by smacks on his hands from me. Of course the fella is unrepentant and will almost always repeat the same crime moments later whenever no one is watching him.

So today, he formed a little puddle on his Ikea high chair tray while I tried to get lunch ready for him and N. So I smacked him on his hands after N alerted me to his puddle-formation. I've tried teaching him to say "Sorry" with his hand patting his head as a sign of sorry too but he is still unable to verbalise it out. The hand sign had to be done with me holding his hand to pat his head. I kept telling him to say "Sorry" but he couldn't or couldn't be bothered. So N, the big brother, said, "Kor-Kor say sorry for you ok? Kor-Kor love you! Sorry Mommy!" That was so sweet of him! 

I thought over what had just happened and talked about it with N: 

Isn't this just like us, when we do wrong things and don't want to say sorry, or haven't even said sorry to God, and Jesus said the "Sorry" to God for us first? God didn't wait for us to be sorry then forgive us for all the wrong things we have done. Jesus said the "Sorry" for us first, even when we didn't know it was wrong or when we keep on doing the wrong things, just like a little toddler who didn't understand his actions and could not apologize properly. Jesus did it for us, because He loves us. Just like N the big brother who apologized on behalf of his unapologetic little brother. :)

"... but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Being philosophical

Been thinking about who God is. Who created God. Is God really love? Did us humans get lucky when God's character happens to be all good and all loving? So I have been thinking all these lately.

And just 5 min ago, out of boredom, I clicked on "Solid Joys"-- the daily devotional by John Piper. Today's devotion reads as such:

---

10 Things “Yahweh” Means

God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations.” (Exodus 3:15)

God’s name is almost always translated LORD (all caps) in the English Bible. But the Hebrew would be pronounced something like "Yahweh," and is built on the word for "I am."

So every time we hear the word Yahweh, or every time you see LORD in the English Bible, you should think: this is a proper name (like Peter or John) built out of the word for “I am” and reminding us each time that God absolutely is.

There are at least 10 things the name Yahweh, “I AM,” says about God:

1. He never had a beginning. Every child asks, “Who made God?” And every wise parent says, “Nobody made God. God simply is. And always was. No beginning.”

2. God will never end. If he did not come into being he cannot go out of being, because he is being.

3. God is absolute reality. There is no reality before him. There is no reality outside of him unless he wills it and makes it. He is all that was eternally. No space, no universe, no emptiness. Only God.

4. God is utterly independent. He depends on nothing to bring him into being or support him or counsel him or make him what he is.

5. Everything that is not God depends totally on God. The entire universe is utterly secondary. It came into being by God and stays in being moment by moment on God's decision to keep it in being.

6. All the universe is by comparison to God as nothing. Contingent, dependent reality is to absolute, independent reality as a shadow to substance. As an echo to a thunderclap. All that we are amazed by in the world and in the galaxies, is, compared to God, as nothing.

7. God is constant. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He cannot be improved. He is not becoming anything. He is who he is.

8. God is the absolute standard of truth and goodness and beauty. There is no law-book to which he looks to know what is right. No almanac to establish facts. No guild to determine what is excellent or beautiful. He himself is the standard of what is right, what is true, what is beautiful.

9. God does whatever he pleases and it is always right and always beautiful and always in accord with truth. All reality that is outside of him he created and designed and governs as the absolute reality. So he is utterly free from any constraints that don't originate from the counsel of his own will.

10. God is the most important and most valuable reality and person in the universe. He is more worthy of interest and attention and admiration and enjoyment than all other realities, including the entire universe.

From “I AM WHO I AM”

--

I think I've got my questions answered. *in awe*

Weaned.

Done. D is weaned. 

It was definitely not easy with his feisty, strong-willed personality! Among the 4 kids, it was hardest to wean him off breastfeeding.

But he has more or less accepted it and resigned to he fact that there was "no more milk-milk!".

My heart aches a little cos this just means I've finally finished my breastfeeding journey with my last baby. That's it. No more.

Time to get myself reacquainted with some nice beer! Hubby, if u are reading this, I need my Little Creatures beer!!

---

Psalm 131

131 O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
    my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
    too great and too marvelous for me.
2 But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, hope in the Lord
    from this time forth and forevermore.